How each woman asks to be loved

A Boxwood Tree Woman’s Request for Love

• Please warn me of events or changes in your life so that I know you care that those changes will affect me, too.
• Please try to understand that my feelings are not broken; the world is. Allow me to feel it at times and to cry about it until I can remember all the good things again. It may take a while.
• Please don’t tease me about my systems, routines, schedules, watches, or lists. I need to control what I can, and these are my tools of choice.
• Please point out how well I do, when I do, and give me little notes of love and encouragement to show that you notice my efforts.
• Please allow me to make it up to you when I have failed or hurt you. You might think it’s best to just move on, but if I can’t set things right, I can’t move on.
• Please remind me that things tend to work out, that God has never let me down, and that He assures us that this whole story ends well—we win! (But give it to me in writing because I might fight you on this if you say it at the wrong moment.)
• Please speak gently to me, without harsh words or signs of irritation.
• Please let me be alone when I look like I need to be. (Tip: when I’m becoming increasingly unpleasant, it’s a sign!)
• Please give me guidelines and information before you expect me to try something risky or new.
• Please number the swords above my head in order of their importance to me. They seem like they’re all going to drop at once. You can help me keep perspective.
• Please patiently answer all the questions I need answered before I can be ready to give you a yes.

A Palm Tree Woman’s Request for Love

• Please give me room to explore and experiment. Don’t spoil it for me with warnings and predictions. The surprise outcome—good or bad—is what I live for. I will learn from these experimental mistakes, not from articles or books about the issue.
• Please let me enjoy the spotlight without accusing me of being conceited or trying to impress your friends. From the spotlight, I can get a positive message to more people. I’m after that, not the applause and adoration.
• Please allow me regular visits to exciting places full of action and possibilities. You can stand on the sidelines if you don’t want to swing from the chandeliers with me. Just smile and wave. You’ll be my hero for giving me an escape from my dry routine.
• Please allow me to make you happy and spoil you a little (okay, a lot!). Don’t check the price tag or bring up inflation when I go overboard with a gift. I’m a bargain hunter, so I probably got it on special anyway. If not, I’ll save us a bunch of money elsewhere with my charm.
• Please steer me away from temptation and danger without preaching at me. I can hear and follow your advice when it is given kindly. The more you tell me stories of gloom and doom, the more curious I become.
• Please give me little notes, pictures, and handmade gifts. These convince me that you really like me. I need to be liked, not just loved. I need to know I make you happy, and proof helps a lot.
• Please allow me to express my passion and excitement without pretending you don’t know me. I will make an effort not to embarrass you, but look at the faces of the other people in these situations! They’re laughing and smiling. I like doing that to people.
• Please dream and fantasize with me. I live on possibilities and potential, wild ideas and even fairy tales. When you pull me into that world, it builds a lasting bond with you that we can’t get by doing housework together.
• Please touch and cuddle me. Of all my sense organs, my skin remembers the best that you love me. I sometimes forget lovely things you said or lose gifts you gave me, but the feeling of your arms around my neck and being loved passionately are what I go back to whenever I’m lost.
• Please say the serious things in a way I can hear them. Touch me so I can remember that you’re speaking from a point of love, and use humor to bring the point across. I will know you are serious. When you come down on me like a thunderstorm, I can’t hear a thing.
• Please focus on the positives. I can sit and nod and seem to be listening, but when everything is dark and serious, I’m really somewhere on a beach in the sunshine while you drone on. If you absolutely have to break bad news, please sandwich it for me between two really good things.
• Please compliment how I look. I try hard, and appearances matter to me because beauty is one of the ways in which I bring joy to others. It’s not vanity.
• Please celebrate with me along the way, not just when all the work is done. Allow me to get excited about the chickens before they’re hatched. There’s no harm in my getting overly exhilarated, because when things don’t work out I’ll just bounce right back.

A Rose Bush Woman’s Request for Love

•  Please cooperate with me. A happy family is one in which everyone puts all their weight toward worthwhile goals.
• Please entrust key decisions to me based on my experience and knowledge. When you question me about every decision, I feel that you doubt both my abilities and my love for you.
• Please use clear words to make your needs known. I am bad at “sensing” them while living in the fast lane.
• Please respond to my words and never ignore me. Even if your response is a negative one, I prefer it to silent treatment.
• Please let me be honest without assuming I’m being cruel. When I have to disguise my words, I feel false and deceitful. It’s like I have two hearts: one that might hate when you do wrong and one that loves you endlessly.
• Please let me do wild things occasionally that get my adrenaline pumping. I need to have a physical and mental rush at times.
• Please give me a straight and honest opinion when I ask for one. If you can’t bring yourself to say it, please write it down for me.
• Please firmly and factually put me in my place when I deserve it. Superficial criticism or emotional pleading is easy for me to ignore, but when you set me right rationally, I will love you for it (after being a bit offended).
• Please give me options and let me make the final choice. When you box me in with restrictions and demands, I become oppositional.
• Please refrain from using a nagging or self-pitying approach to try to influence my decisions. I respond best to a calm and confident tone of voice.
• Please believe that I love you very much even when I’m not in the mood to hug or kiss.

A Pine Tree Woman’s Request for Love

• Please let me smother and mother you. TLC won’t kill you, and I don’t do it because I think you’re a baby; I do it because we may not always have each other.
• Please help me say no so that I don’t become a people pleaser. I feel terrible when I say no, but you can remind me that I always have a choice and need not be the victim of people with more forceful personalities than mine.
• Please give me time with just you. Group time means little to me compared to one-on-one time. I open up my heart only in the safety of your focused attention.
• Please think about your contribution to a problem even after I have apologized for mine, as I’m not necessarily admitting guilt. Apologizing is often just my way of ending the fight.
• Please let me think carefully before expecting a final answer. Under pressure I will say what I think you want to hear or become stubborn and stuck as a defense mechanism. Then you’ll never know what I really wanted.
• Please lovingly encourage me without any insult. I rise to your gentle suggestions but shut down under hurtful words.
• Please have grace with my slower pace. I will get where I need to be in a much better mood than when I’m pushed or pulled.
• Please allow me to withdraw from situations that are too loud, busy, dangerous, or competitive. I can enjoy these situations more as a spectator than as a participant.
• Please give me security by building traditions and stability with me. This means putting up with things that may have become boring to you but have become my “happy place” and putting up with the same people again and again: my safety net.
• Please allow me plenty of time to relax without thinking I’m lazy. I may not seem to be a hard worker, but a lot goes on that you don’t see and that I don’t brag about.
• Please help me express my feelings without asking a lot of questions. I speak my heart when I feel safe with you. I’m like an oyster. I’ll roll out pearls for you once I’m ready to open up. It will be worth your while.
• Please join in my striving for peace in our home. Some fights can be fought without screaming. Some issues can be dealt with when everyone is calm. Some issues can be left alone entirely. Trust me.
• Please talk less about “you” and “me” and more about “us” so that I know we’re always on the same side. I may spend quite a bit of time by myself, but I’m always part of the team.
• Please give me credit for my good intentions, not just for results. My attitude is often much better than my performance.
• Please help me break down huge tasks into smaller chunks so that I don’t feel overwhelmed. I’m not the Energizer Bunny, and challenges don’t excite me. I need to know that things are achievable before I set out to achieve them bit by bit.

Hettie Brittz  - Author of and adapted from (un)Natural Mom (please credit the source when using these)